My heart is in pieces. It’s so hard to know where to begin. I am typically a private person. I struggle with sharing my thoughts, my pain, my desires. I find it easier to hide and pretend things will change, will get better, or maybe some sort of miracle will take place.
I’ve cried to where there just aren’t anymore tears. I’ve been hurt so bad that there isn’t anymore pain. There’s anger and frustration, desperation, hurt and feelings of failure. But yet I have to somehow pull myself together and go on. I have 3 younger children I have to be there for. Who have to see me being the best mother I can be, for them. I have to help them make correct decisions, to be a good person, to grow into an honorable adult, to live the happy life they were meant to live.
That means I have to let one of my children go. Yes, I know how horrible that sounds. You don’t have to tell me. I know how that makes me feel like the biggest failure as a mother. I’ve been living it every second for months. I’ve been feeling it, and suffering through it, and trying to pull myself together for everyone else around me. And I’m broken.
Things are not getting better. I thought they were, either because I’m stupid or I just wanted to believe it, but they’re not. They’re worse. We’ve tried everything. Counseling doesn’t work when you lie to the counselor. Family time doesn’t matter when she’s not really there mentally. Church doesn’t help when she’s not there spiritually.
There was no trust, but then there was some little by little. She was able to do a few things. School started. Maybe things would be better. It seemed like it was for 2 1/2 days. Then Friday night happened and the trust was all gone again. We had to make a decision. Try to save her life. Try to help her get to the age of 18 without any huge regrets. I had to save her younger brothers and sister from her influence. So we made a heart wrenching decision. To send her away. To pray for her and hope for the best.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can’t force someone to do what is right. You can’t love them into making the right decisions. They have to want it for themselves. Even if they are only 16. I want her to make it to 18 and become the beautiful young woman I know she can be. I want her to live the life she deserves. I want her to be truly happy with the decisions she makes. I want her to live without regret and have love in her life.
She’s going away. She’ll be safe. She’ll be cared for and she’ll be loved. I hope she decides to change. To see that there is so much she has to offer. To start being honest with herself and others. And I want her to see the hurt she has caused because I want her to have feelings for others. To realize there is more to life than just taking and having a good time. I want her to see where true happiness comes from in her relationships with other people.
I don’t know how long it will be before we see her again. I don’t know when we will be able to trust her again. I don’t know if my heart will ever heal. I don’t know when that nauseous feeling will go away. But I pray it will happen and I pray we will have a daughter who lives a long and happy life full of love and honesty.
I apologize for not responding to emails and answering comments lately. I’m trying to get back on track and I promise to get to everything as soon as I can. Thank you for all your support and thank you for your prayers. They mean so much to me and my family.
